I did some meaningful purging today. In honor of the beginning of the new year, I decided it was a good day to sift through the tangible memories I had been carrying with me - the words and memories I have spent the past year trying to understand, make sense of, resolve.
Note to self...there is never a good day to do this.
Yet, it had to be done. Some would argue, it was well overdue. I knew this moment would come as I had also come to realize that I couldn't carry the heaviness with me anymore.
Conducting my own private ritual of letting go of the past hurt like hell. It did exactly what I was afraid it would do - it dredged up a lot of pain, confusion, anxiety, and even tears. As I reread so much of what I had to let go of, it brought it all back to the forefront. In my heart I know he let go of this, and me, a very long time ago. That hurts too, but I have learned I cannot control what other people will say, do, or feel. I can only attempt to navigate my own world and do things like this in my own time. When I feel strong enough to do it. Even if it takes a year.
The digital age robs us of the grace of a moment like this. Clearing the past, removing what has been holding you back is almost anti-climatic when it is as simple as hitting delete. Something so simple still took every ounce of strength I have. I found solace in that I could be alone to do it and do it my way, as messy as it was.
I am sad. I am allowing myself to feel it. I am also in a bit of shock that I did it. I finally found the courage to put the past where it belongs and go into the new year lighter. As of today I am carrying only what I truly need right now - family, friends, and what's inside me. A friend asked me what I wanted to see happen personally for me this year and I said without hesitation...I just want to be. Just be. No complicated matters of the heart. It's a relief to say it, accept it, and be excited about it.
This was a really big step today and I believe it sets the tone for the new year. Let's really start writing the next chapter, shall we?