Well, hello
insomnia...my old friend...
I didn't miss you. I know it's impolite to lead with a declarative statement about my feelings. Perhaps I should ask you how and where you've been, what you've seen, why you're back, but I'm not going to do that for 2 reasons:
1) I am so TIRED I just don't have it in me to engage in pleasantries
2) In 2011, I am working on being more honest
Before conclusions are drawn and assumptions made, let me explain. I am an honest person. The only times in my life that I may attempt to sidestep the truth are when I am trying desperately not to hurt someone's feelings. And I never attempt to sidestep the truth in my professional life, however I am pretty good at dancing around it until the words eventually start evolving into what I am trying to say (apologetically, of course), or the audience wants to throw their hands up in exasperation and cry just.get.to.it.already.
In the new year, I didn't make resolutions per se. Nothing makes me feel worse in the dead of the winter than broken resolutions. After all, if you can't get a promise to yourself it makes it a hard sell to believe you can keep promises to other people. My problem in the past was that I tried to make too many promises and I wrapped them up in a pretty bow & used different color ink and drew doodles around them...then carried them in my purse and thought...YES! I have a plan. THIS is the year.
I'd write things like:
Call my Mom more often
Then set measurement goals:
Call 2x a week
And create a schedule:
Call on Wednesday and Saturday
Another example:
Make sure my family and friends know how much I appreciate them, by
Checking in with at least 2 people every week, and
Telling them I am thinking about them and am happy I know them
In February...or May...or October...I would come across the list, long after I suffered the disappointment of knowing I had failed, and then relived the crushing blow of knowing that no matter how pretty I packaged it up - if it didn't become action it was just words on a paper.
This year I am not going to put myself through it. 2010 was challenging enough to my sense of self, thankyouverymuch. I'm taking it on easy on myself this year.
Instead, I have a few areas in my life I am going to spend a little more time in.
This year, I am going to protect my heart and not in the "now I'm eating Cheerios" sort of way. It's not what I want to do because it goes against my nature. It's something I have to do as an interim solution on the path to healing.
As I get older (not old, I said "older"), I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin. Finally. I mean, it's been my skin all along so it's about time. With this safer feeling within myself, I am starting to have a stronger handle on what's most important to me in my personal life. Family, friends, fitness, writing...I want to spend more time cultivating these aspects and let go of the rest. Like lawn mowing. I pretty much gave that up last year, much to the dismay of my neighbors.
In my non-personal life, I am very passionate about my career. I love marketing. I have love and trust in the brands I work on and I believe in the plans we are developing to make them even more loved and trusted by the people who use them. This year, I'm focusing on expressing that passion more openly with the folks I work with. Not only on the positive side, but also when tough decisions need to be made or when a plan just isn't all the way there. I want to be able to shorten the dance number to a few quick moves and cut to the chase.
(Bet you were wondering when I was going to get back to the sidestep/dance/truth part of this, weren't you? See? It takes me a few unchoreographed moves to get.to.the.point)
One of our core values at work is: tell it like it is
Another one is: lead from the head and the heart
These values make sense to me. I want to express myself in a more honest and direct way and if I am coming at it using both my head and my heart - hopefully hurt feelings won't be left behind in the aftermath. I want to shorten the dance because it's a waste of time, for everyone.
If a friend asks when we are shopping, do you like these jeans on me? My typical response would be..."Well, I do, I think they are a nice shade of blue, I do like that brand a lot, I like the way they fit around your ankles, I don't know, I did like the other pair you tried on a little more, I don't know, what do you think? Do you like them?"
Where I'd like to be: "There are things about them I like, but the pair you had on before fit you better and the detailing made your ass look amazing (this is girl-talk in the dressing room..BTW) I think there are better options for you than these"
At work when asked, what do think of this plan?
Instead of saying, "I like it, I think we're close, I know this is tough project, lots of details to consider, do you like it?, how do you feel about the progress you've made so far?, I'm not sure it's where it needs to be yet, there are parts I really like, I am confused by parts of it, I wonder if you could walk me through why you chose this aspect to focus on, I guess I'm not quite there yet, are you ok with it?"
I'd like to respond, "I think you nailed the objective with x and y. (insert brief supporting argument) There is more work to do on z. It's not all the way there yet, it feels off strategy and isn't as impactful as I expected. I'd like us to spend more time on z to get it to where we expected it to be"
I still want to be a nice person and there is no way I would ever be able to not consider someone's feelings (usually before my own). I just think there is a better way.
Less dancing. More honest.
I'm saving the dancing for my living room and the occasional trip to the dance floor.
