...in with the scary.
I am in the midst of purging almost everything I own, in preparation for a major downsize to an apartment in Manhattan. This is both scary, and totally liberating.
Today I had a garage sale. Selling stuff, stuff that used to be so important to me, stuff that has memories attached to it, put me in a very vulnerable state. As I watched people come and go...some almost turning their nose up to my stuff - it hurt.
And it also didn't.
Stuff doesn't define me. Or you. We get so wrapped up in all of it that I believe it becomes difficult to separate ourselves from it. I hate stuff. You wouldn't know that from the amount I have. I wish I could just throw a few items in a backpack and travel the entire world that way. Just essential items, a camera, and a journal.
In reality, I have accumulated so much because when someone gives me something, I am so grateful I cannot part with it. I appreciate it that someone has thought of me...and I can't just give that away. Yet, the thing isn't as important as the thought. And the thought is a lot easier to carry in this life.
I am scared on so many levels right now...about the move, about all of the change, about finding a place and selling a place, about letting go of the past and embracing the future. I am scared about what I am leaving. The range of emotion actually occurs on a minute-by-minute basis.
So, there's a big part of this whole process that I just have to be cold to. I have to shut off emotion and just focus on tasks. Checking things off lists. Not thinking about that moment when I find myself sitting on the floor of my NYC apartment (sans furniture) - alone.
This is what defines us in life instead of stuff. Fear. Courage. Taking risks. Moving forward.
It could be an utter disaster. Or it could be the best thing I have ever done. I don't know what the future holds, but I know this - the people in my life, the ones who love me like I love them, will stay in my life no matter where I go. They are the substance of what defines me, and they travel with me everywhere...
in my heart.