Giving the BIG CANDY

Halloween is my favorite holiday.

I love, love, love getting trick-or-treaters. When I moved into my first real apartment after undergrad, I bought a ton of candy, got dressed up, and waited. And waited. And waited.

No trick-or-treaters.

Apparently, kids don't trick-or-treat at apartments in the midwest. A lesson hard-learned. Tears were shed, and a whole lot of candy was eaten in sheer disappointment.

When we first moved into a house...I came armed. I went to Sam's Club and bought the BIG CANDY. Yes, not only would we be getting trick-or-treaters that year...but we were going to be the house that gave out the FULL SIZE CANDY. Plain & Peanut M&M's.

10 minutes into the night, a little boy who was about 4 came running up the porch while his dad waited at the curb for him.

"Trick-or-treat!"

"And what are you this Halloween?"

"Batman!"

"Awesome...would you like Plain or Peanut M&M's?"

His face dropped. He looked horrified. I wondered if he heard me right. After all I didn't ask if he would rather have a root canal or a broken nose...I am offering M&M's. The elixir of the gods. The candy that has fixed 90% of the problems in my life at one moment or another.

He shrieked, "NO! I DON'T LIKE M&M's!"

Then he promptly wheeled around and ran, no - sprinted - back to his dad. I felt horrible, because I clearly offended the little super hero with my absolutely disgusting candy selection.

As they walked away, I heard his dad whisper, "You just take the candy. No matter what it is...you just say thank you"

I smiled. Spoken like a true dad. Take all the candy...he will eat the ones you don't want. I grew up in the era of Pixie Stix (that were almost certainly emptied and filled with poison) and fun-sized Snickers bars (that all adults were convinced were hiding safety pins). Oh, and the occasional handmade popcorn ball that had to be sourced from the right house or it ended up in the trash can.

My dad, ever the protector of his children, took it upon himself to "test" our Halloween candy to make sure it was safe. Despite our recommendation that we take the candy to the local fire department for the x-ray screening...he thought it was more efficient to use the "taste test".

Oddly enough, all candy was pretty much deemed safe without sampling...except the fun-size Snickers. From ages 6-12, I never ate an entire Snickers bar myself. No, not even the fun-size. I always inherited it from my dad with one large bite (sometimes 1/2 the bar) "tested".

Brach's peanut butter taffy? Safe. Those crazy Pixie Stix? Safe. Even Milky Way Bars? Safe.

Snickers Bar? The devil loves those things and all must pass inspection.

Although I was mortified that first Halloween, handing out the offensive M&M's...I still do. And I still get the BIG CANDY. Because life is short, and nothing beats that moment as a kid when someone hands you the BIG CANDY and you can't restrain yourself as you shout "WOW! COOL!!!!"

I want to be THAT neighbor.

Happy Halloween!

Thanksgiving

I am always amazed at the power of friendships. How the people we choose to be part of our network or choose to devote our spare time to, somehow know when we need them when even we do not know.

This is interesting to me because not all of your friends come running at the same time. Rather, you find yourself in a down moment or in the midst of another sleepless night, or standing on the ledge looking across the precipice...

And your phone rings.

Or your text alert makes you jump.

Or your email inbox reveals just the right "Hey, was just thinking about you" sentiment.

It is amazing and it is also not an accident. Some of our friendships start out that way, as almost an accident. Random alignment of this crazy universe where you find yourself looking someone else in the eyes and suddenly feel a connection - if even for a moment - that makes you feel less alone. A connection that allows you to open up. Share a little piece of your soul. Reveal parts of yourself you tend to hide most of the time.

Once that connection is made - it is no accident when these people find you in your moment of need. Or you feel the compelling need to reach out to them even when you do not know why it is so essential. The connection lives on.

I have been fortunate in these last couple of weeks to have friendships rise to the surface and emerge from the darkness. While I tend to be a very personal person and keep my real life very private, I have also been relieved and saved by someone touching my arm or looking me in the eye and saying - "I care about you. I can tell you are not ok. How can I help?"

We don't really know the impact we have on other people. We can see simple emotions like hurt or happiness. Fear or anger. We cannot always see that our moment of eye contact or our gentle touch or our sincere question of well-being has saved someone's day...or more dramatically, their life.

What I have learned from my darkest hour is that I want to focus so much more outside of myself. I want to be THAT friend. I want to be the person who is suddenly there when needed.

Little by little, the days are getting brighter. Someday I may be able to talk about where I've been. What I've felt. The demons I have wrestled with.

Today, I just want to say thank you. You know who you are. Thank you.

On the Move

Whenever I travel, I am reminded of a fundamental truth that escapes me when I get lost in my own little world...

There is a lot more world out there.

And a lot of people.

Which means, shortly translated - I'm likely not the only one who feels this way. I am likely not the only one going through a hard time. I am not alone.

Even when I am, I'm not alone.

Traveling, even for work, opens my eyes to different walks of life. Different realities. It reminds me that I can go anywhere, be anyone, live any life I want. If I am not happy with this particular path, I can pick myself up and make a new reality for myself. Feather a new nest.

I'm not ready to do that, but the thought itself gives me a kind of peace. When I travel, I meet new people and am fascinated by their experiences. The similarities and the vast contrast of our parallel existences is staggering.

Last week I was in LA, New York, Washington DC, and Chicago. Every day, a different city. In each place I was comforted by the pulse of life there. Each city had its own rhythm, it's own vibe. With each hop to the next destination, I let it wash over me. It was a hectic week but the energy I gained has helped propel me forward.

This weekend has been a major turning point for me. I feel like in the past I have said that...and then had to start over. This time feels different. My heart feels stronger. I have reached a point where I have to take care of me. I have to. I cannot keep doing what I am doing and expect different results...starting now, the strength I have inside of me will have to be enough.