The voices in my head

I wanted to do a long run today and despite A LOT of snow on the ground from yesterday, I decided not to do it on the treadmill. I'm so tired of the treadmill I could puke. So I layered up and set out.

I didn't know what to expect out there. I've only run outside twice this winter, mostly because I'm a great big wimp. But let me tell you this - only in Madison, Wisconsin do you find yourself saying "on your left" on the path about a dozen times on the day AFTER we got 7.5 inches of snow. You'd think no one would be outside. People in this town are seriously hardcore.

I wasn't sure how far I wanted to go but I knew I would feel it when it was time to stop. I needed some time to blank out and relax. In general, when I run I don't use it to think. I use it not to think. Right now I have so much on my mind it can be almost paralyzing. Running removes all the stuff from my head and just lets me be. Biking does exactly the opposite - I think, think, overthink, and think some more when I'm on my bike. Running is really my only escape.

In fact, if I lose the battle on a run and my mind starts with the thinking again, I tend to stop. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it. I just stop in my tracks and sort of slow walk until I realize what's happening to me. Then I force whatever it is out of my head and start running again.

Today, it was working. I was cruising along, the paths were clear of ice and everything felt good. Not a thought in my head. Then all of a sudden I looked up and a wave of unexpected emotion hit me. I found myself at mile 4 of today's run in the exact spot of mile 23 of last year's IM run.

It caught me by surprise. Here I was, in the middle of the run path, fighting back tears. Memories flooded back - it was dark, I was barely hanging on mentally. This was where I turned to Johanna who was on her bike and told her I thought she was crazy for being a marathon runner. Where my husband and Brian laughed at my comment. Where I then asked my husband if I was doing ok. Where the volunteer under the street lamp said "You're almost there."

Where I started to actually visualize the finish line.

I stopped for a few minutes while my eyes followed the path beyond that turn wind around toward the Capital Building, and took a deep breath.

Then I spoke a few words out loud that shocked the hell out of me. I promised myself that I would do another Ironman. Even after telling everyone that I wouldn't - at least not anytime soon (translation...not in the next decade) - I clearly heard the little voice in my head today telling me that one wasn't enough. The journey of Ironman is as much or more about the emotional and mental journey as it is about the physical. I don't think I've exhausted the journey yet.

10 minutes later at the 5 mile mark I turned back for home and smack-dab into a bone chilling headwind. And I promptly cussed like a sailor.

Hey, I didn't say I was tough enough to take on another Ironman THIS year. But 2010? That's an interesting thought...

The "Unplan" Plan

Despite my best efforts to play 2009 fast and loose and fly by the seat of my pants, I am slowly getting pulled into making some race plans. This is really against my very nature. I am an Aries. Generally, I don't like to plan. I like to keep my options open. I tend to go with my feelings and embrace opportunities as I go. It's highly annoying to some people, but I'm always afraid I am going to miss something truly cool and magical because I was stuck to a rigid plan.

Even though some plans are being made, this is still an interesting change of pace over last year when the season was built around September and I had a lot less freedom to pick random "fun" races. Getting to that big A race was top priority. Although I'm not prone to plan, I was realistic about that goal and knew I had to put a plan in place and stick to it. This year, I get to dabble. IronMin is a supreme dabbler.

However, even with dabbling - races fill up. Friends and family want commitments. Decisions needs to be made. Plans...well, plans must be created.

Thus, here it is: The 2009 preliminary, subject to change, "unplan" plan.

1) Crazylegs Classic is an 8k race held every April in Madison and that's always on the list.

2) The Madison Marathon is already set - Memorial Day weekend here in Madison. Training is going ok. I'm not nearly as religious about following the program as I should be, but after this sporadic week I have decided that if I ever want to get my body to stop hurting after every run, I need to actually get in some consecutive days of running. You know - build the muscles so every 3 miler doesn't make me cry. It boggles the mind how slow I am to learn sometimes, but I get there eventually.

3) My friend Brian, who was a big supporter & cheerleader during IM last year is getting into triathlon this year and wants me to do Capitol View with him in June. Done.

4) Johanna has decided her first HIM will be Door County in July. YAY! I am so excited for her! Valencia is coming to Wisconsin from wherever she'll be in the world at that point (Bermuda, NYC, Louisiana...it's hard to say) and the 3 of us are doing this one together. It is going to be the ultimate girl's weekend.

5) My brother Chip, also new to triathlon this year, has set the Steelhead 70.3 in August as his HIM debut. He'd like me to do it with him, but I'm torn - it could be a great opportunity for me to sherpa and help him get through it. We'll see. It's a couple weeks after Door County so it's doable - especially since I don't really go out there and kill myself. I just like to enjoy the day.

6) Finally, my season will culminate with volunteering at IMOO. I wouldn't miss it for the world. If I'm half as helpful as the volunteers were for me last year, I'll feel like I gave something back to the phenomenal event.

Where once there was a blank sheet...now it's filled with so much to look forward to. Friends, family - I guess having a plan isn't so bad after all.

Just Like Old Times

Shortly after Ironman last September, my very close friend and training partner Valencia moved away. It was a sad day made worse by the fact that I had known it was coming for a solid month. In that time, every meal felt like the last supper. I struggled to hold onto every laugh and every tear. I didn't want to believe she was leaving.

We spent a ton of time - everyday - together. Training, laughing, talking, expressing our fears, telling our stories, motivating each other, crying with each other.

After she left, I moped for weeks.

We've kept in touch through email, texting, and phone calls but I'll be the first to admit - I'm a horrible penpal. I think about my friends all the time...wonder what they're up to...relive some of our best times in my memories...but time tends to slip away from me and before I know it - it's been way too long.

I suck.

This week Valencia is back in town and I'm really, really excited. Last night the girls got together and we laughed 'til we cried over fruity drinks and good stories. This morning we had pancakes at this great little breakfast place we hit quite a bit last year...(Marigold's in Madison is beyond yummy...and they have fresh squeezed OJ!) Tomorrow night it's a slumber party for me & V at Johanna's. I can't wait. Johanna is cooking up a Mexican fiesta and there will be margaritas and hopefully Johanna will show us her pictures from the Goofy Challenge she did in January...

Johanna & V at a tri last summer

Since Ironman, Valencia has done an Olympic tri in Bermuda and ran the New Orleans marathon. I'm amazed. She is a much stronger athlete than I am and it is pretty incredible to think about her list of accomplishments as well as her dedication to a life of fitness. She is an inspiration to me in many ways and even outside of sport - she is an extremely strong woman.

It's been difficult over the weekend & this week to stick to the program, but I'm trying. I ran last night on the treadmill before dinner and tonight I walk/ran the dogs for 45 minutes. Tomorrow before the slumber party...drumroll...BOOT CAMP!

I got on the scale Monday morning and I have actually gained weight in the last 2 weeks since I've been back on the workout train. And don't tell me it's because I'm converting fat to muscle. I don't buy it. I think my body is fighting me. It's holding on to every spare calorie right now and I'm waging all-out war. BRING.IT.ON.

2 Likes and a Wrong

That basically sums up my weekend. Let me explain.

1) Like: I heart Costco. I hit the store here in Madtown on Sunday for the first time ever and I made a huge discovery: Fresh Produce. Organic apples (already sliced and ready-to-eat), spring mix, blueberries, strawberries...WOW! Where, where, where do these come from in the middle of winter? Ohhhhh, that's right - this frozen tundra is more of a Midwest thing. Got it.

The dogs are also loving Costco because they received new beds and some new yummy treats. I'm still in the backroom of the store, however...trying to spin straw into gold so I can work off my debt.
2) Like: My brother-in-law gave us these new water bottles for Christmas and after trying it out, I give it two thumbs up. I dropped it, tipped it over, shook it all over the place on the treadmill and it still didn't spill. And it's fun to drink out of it too. Thanks Norm!


3) Wrong: I'm peeved at Apple and AT&T right now. I haven't been able to text on the iPhone for 2 weeks. For those who know me well - this.will.not.do. I am a texter. I don't really enjoy talking on the phone. My ranking order of preference for conversing with others would probably be: 1) in person 2) text 3) email and 4) just drop the person from my circle of friends. Ok, maybe #4 is a little extreme. I have been known to eventually break down and use my phone for talking if absolutely necessary.

I tried to be patient. Apple reported it was a known issue and they were working on it. I waited for the latest software release last week and after trudging through the ridiculously slow back-up and install process for the upgrade, I was still text-less.

WHY?! WHY ME GOD?! DON'T YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY????

2 trips to the Apple store, 1 new phone, 2 trips to the AT&T store and 1 new SIM card later...I can finally text again.

Does it really have to be this complicated people?

This is week 2 of marathon training. Last week went pretty well considering my extended hiatus from sweat & tears. After I recovered from boot camp (I cried every time I lifted my arms for 3 whole days), my weekend run went smoothly. I settled for "treadmill & a movie" and watched P.S. I Love You during the 7 mile "long" run. Decent movie, total chick flick, and the run went by pretty fast. I feel like I'm back in the game.

And now I can text about it.